Best Amazon Product. Ever.

When a product description starts with this, you know it has to be good:

We are always in compliance with Section 13 from part 40 of the NRC Nuclear Regulatory Commission rules and regulations and Postal Service regulations specified in 49 CFR 173.421 for activity limits of low level radioactive materials. Item will be shipped in accordance with Postal Service activity limits specified in Publication 52.

Some reviews:

The quality of this Uranium is on par with the stuff I was bying from the Libyans over at the mall parking lot, but at half the price! I just hope the seller does not run out, because I have many projects on my list including a night vision sasquatch radar, an electromagnetic chupakabra cage, a high velocity, aerial, weighted Mothman net and super heated, instant grill cheese sandwhich maker.

However, when I ran out of that fire-ant killer powder stuff, I figured I would try some for that too.

Big mistake!

Finally, someone had the gumption to package this stuff! As a busy single mom, I no longer have the time to prospect for uranium, let alone dig my own open pit mine. Also, handling that stuff makes my gums bleed and I cough up small pieces of lung. Nasty.

What happened next is something I barely believe myself. Because this product is uranium and not the plutonium that Doc had designed the car for, I was transported back to 1955 where everyone thought my name was Calvin Klein and my mom tried to sleep with me. Gross! I found Doc, since he’s lived in the same house his whole life, and convinced him I was from the future. If it wasn’t for the power of 1.21 jigawatts, I would have been trapped in the past forever since Amazon’s best shipping method is overnight and does not transcend the time-space barrier and I was unable to get more uranium.

Well… I had an awesome idea that if I combined my newly purchased uranium ore and a container of Marshmallow Fluff, the outcome would result in a smaller version of the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man. However… what soon followed my unfortunate science/cooking experiment was the creation of something that resembled a 10 foot tall adaptation of the Michelin Man meets Chuck Norris! Immediately upon its creation I received unprovoked roundhouse kick to my face… fortunately, his marshmallow-pillowy-like foot softened the impending blow. We battled through the kitchen, then it saw the open door. As soon as this sticky-sweet creature made it outside… it escaped. So I guess this “review” is more of a public-service announcement… I probably should’ve said that first.

It’s been almost 100 days since I “disposed” of the Uranium Ore I purchased from Amazon.com. Seeing as how they sent me 10 orders instead of 1 I thought it would be alright to dispose of the two or three cans in the backyard. 91 days later and I’m barricaded in my house, beseiged by mutated grasshoppers, bees, wasps, and ants the size of ponies. My food stores are dwindling; I only have a few gallons of Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz left, though a spritz of Uranium Ore has kept it fresh all this time. I’m down to my last box of Fresh Whole Rabbit as well. Even though I had to kill them (again), some of the Uranium Ore I used on the Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz has also helped them stay fresh during these past few months.

I’m not sure how much longer I can last here, the noises coming through the walls is constant, day and night. The scratching and scraping, the buzzing and chirping these mutated monsters make around the clock is, I fear, driving me inexorably further to the brink of insanity. I know that soon, I’ll take my chances outside the door of my home and fight for survival in a world gone mad; but with my newly grown wings and the lobster-claw appendages that have sprouted from my back, I might just have a chance after all…

Buy your own Uranium Ore today!