Category Archives: Humor

US State Department Denies Planning to Invade Canada

War Plan Red” was the color-coded war plan for a United States war against the British Empire. One objective of Red was securing Crimson, the occupation of Canada.

War Plan Red was unexpectedly referenced today, when the U.S. Department of State denied that the U.S. was planning to invade Canada.

The State Department is denying that a planned closed-door meeting between U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Mexico Foreign Minister Patricia Espinosa is about a secret plan to invade Canada.

Asked why the meeting was closed to press and what the two officials were discussing, a reporter asked: “This isn’t some secret thing to invade Canada or something like that?

“No, no, no,” State Department spokeswoman Victoria Nuland said during a Tuesday briefing to laughter from reporters.

The State Departments denials also evoke Article XI of the Articles of Confederation and Perpetual Union, which read:

Canada acceding to this confederation, and adjoining in the measures of the United States, shall be admitted into, and entitled to all the advantages of this Union; but no other colony shall be admitted into the same, unless such admission be agreed to by nine States.

We’re coming…

Review of “Overqualified,” by Joey Comeau

Overqualified is a humorous collection of terrible resume cover letters. Through them one gradually grows to know the weird narrator and has a number of laughs along the way.

Overqualified is not a deeply moving story int he way that Veins, another humorous novella, was. While Viens makes one seriously consider the man behind the laughter, in Overqualified we get a collection of really good laugh lines

I don’t make collect calls, I make the operator pay.

and

When a week had gone by, my lady friend asked, “Have you finished with my book yet?”

I shook my head. “No,” I said, “but I’m finished with you.”

and

“You think that love has to last forever for it to be real. You think it isn’t true love unless it lasts until one of us is dead…. That isn’t love. That’s dog fighting.”

I mostly read Overqualified in two sittings. It was well worth the $8.59 price for the Kindle edition.

Negative Review of ‘World War II’ on The History Channel

Hat-tip to CPS, a review of a show that seems someone less believable than Battlestar Gallactica

So it’s pretty standard “shining amazing good guys who can do no wrong” versus “evil legions of darkness bent on torture and genocide” stuff, totally ignoring the nuances and realities of politics. The actual strategy of the war is barely any better. Just to give one example, in the Battle of the Bulge, a vastly larger force of Germans surround a small Allied battalion and demand they surrender or be killed. The Allied general sends back a single-word reply: “Nuts!”. The Germans attack, and, miraculously, the tiny Allied force holds them off long enough for reinforcements to arrive and turn the tide of battle. Whoever wrote this episode obviously had never been within a thousand miles of an actual military.

Probably the worst part was the ending. The British/German story arc gets boring, so they tie it up quickly, have the villain kill himself (on Walpurgisnacht of all days, not exactly subtle) and then totally switch gears to a battle between the Americans and the Japanese in the Pacific. Pretty much the same dichotomy – the Japanese kill, torture, perform medical experiments on prisoners, and frickin’ play football with the heads of murdered children, and the Americans are led by a kindly old man in a wheelchair.

Read the whole thing.

Best Amazon Product. Ever.

When a product description starts with this, you know it has to be good:

We are always in compliance with Section 13 from part 40 of the NRC Nuclear Regulatory Commission rules and regulations and Postal Service regulations specified in 49 CFR 173.421 for activity limits of low level radioactive materials. Item will be shipped in accordance with Postal Service activity limits specified in Publication 52.

Some reviews:

The quality of this Uranium is on par with the stuff I was bying from the Libyans over at the mall parking lot, but at half the price! I just hope the seller does not run out, because I have many projects on my list including a night vision sasquatch radar, an electromagnetic chupakabra cage, a high velocity, aerial, weighted Mothman net and super heated, instant grill cheese sandwhich maker.

However, when I ran out of that fire-ant killer powder stuff, I figured I would try some for that too.

Big mistake!

Finally, someone had the gumption to package this stuff! As a busy single mom, I no longer have the time to prospect for uranium, let alone dig my own open pit mine. Also, handling that stuff makes my gums bleed and I cough up small pieces of lung. Nasty.

What happened next is something I barely believe myself. Because this product is uranium and not the plutonium that Doc had designed the car for, I was transported back to 1955 where everyone thought my name was Calvin Klein and my mom tried to sleep with me. Gross! I found Doc, since he’s lived in the same house his whole life, and convinced him I was from the future. If it wasn’t for the power of 1.21 jigawatts, I would have been trapped in the past forever since Amazon’s best shipping method is overnight and does not transcend the time-space barrier and I was unable to get more uranium.

Well… I had an awesome idea that if I combined my newly purchased uranium ore and a container of Marshmallow Fluff, the outcome would result in a smaller version of the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man. However… what soon followed my unfortunate science/cooking experiment was the creation of something that resembled a 10 foot tall adaptation of the Michelin Man meets Chuck Norris! Immediately upon its creation I received unprovoked roundhouse kick to my face… fortunately, his marshmallow-pillowy-like foot softened the impending blow. We battled through the kitchen, then it saw the open door. As soon as this sticky-sweet creature made it outside… it escaped. So I guess this “review” is more of a public-service announcement… I probably should’ve said that first.

It’s been almost 100 days since I “disposed” of the Uranium Ore I purchased from Amazon.com. Seeing as how they sent me 10 orders instead of 1 I thought it would be alright to dispose of the two or three cans in the backyard. 91 days later and I’m barricaded in my house, beseiged by mutated grasshoppers, bees, wasps, and ants the size of ponies. My food stores are dwindling; I only have a few gallons of Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz left, though a spritz of Uranium Ore has kept it fresh all this time. I’m down to my last box of Fresh Whole Rabbit as well. Even though I had to kill them (again), some of the Uranium Ore I used on the Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz has also helped them stay fresh during these past few months.

I’m not sure how much longer I can last here, the noises coming through the walls is constant, day and night. The scratching and scraping, the buzzing and chirping these mutated monsters make around the clock is, I fear, driving me inexorably further to the brink of insanity. I know that soon, I’ll take my chances outside the door of my home and fight for survival in a world gone mad; but with my newly grown wings and the lobster-claw appendages that have sprouted from my back, I might just have a chance after all…

Buy your own Uranium Ore today!