Category Archives: Humor

The Path Past the End of the Road

When I first read the below I thought it was from a bizarre, parallel timeline of this world. Considering the state of our current politics, it may be from a saner world.

The Path Past the End of the Road

The New Republic

“We’ve all made mistakes in our lives,” Paul Wolfowitz says to the county fair crowd one early September twilight evening, “like a few poorly written op-eds.”

“Or the Iraq War!” cheerfully chimes in Maureen Dowd.

With this the crowd of a few dozen laughs. No matter where, the crowd always laughs at this line. Wolfowitz does a scripted “aww shucks” look and continues.

“Thanks for reminding me, Maureen.” A pause allows for a few more chuckles. “But in all seriousness folks, we’re here to make sure America never forgets the most important lesson.”

Dowd steps up to the edge of the stage with a motherly face meant to give instruction, “That George Bush should never be trusted with presidential powers again.” A silence falls over the crowd. People let it set in. They remember. Oh how they remember. Dowd continues, “Now I know everybody knows we raised millions to fund this trip. But Paul and I have decided that we cannot let our message be influenced special interests which once backed Georgie.”

“So we’re relying on the generosity of strangers for day-to-day supplies and gas. But you didn’t come here to hear that, you came here for our show!” Paul finishes as the local band starts playing. The DowdWolf Variety Hour begins to cheers and laughter. A dirt path continues where many thought America’s road had ended.

End of the Road?

Do you remember where you were when America “died”? Some people claim it died when George Will, in his infamous sore winners speech meant to introduce John McCain as the 2008 GOP nominee for President, instead played a video of Japanese-special education children reading “THE DARDENELLES OF THE BELTWAY.” Thompson became livid because the video was on repeat and he stormed the stage where the glowering Will stood. The chaos of the day spread and effectively ended the establishment’s control of both the GOP and Democratic parties.

Others claim America died when the constitutional (detractors call it the mob while supporters call it the shadow) presidential elections in 2008 and 2012 were voided by the Supreme Court who instead indefinitely extended the judicial (detractors call it the court-imposed fraud while supporters call it the people’s will) presidential election between John McCain and Jimmy Carter.

Still others claim America past away when the various peoples’ rallies on the National Mall against the crimes of Tina Leans became the main voice of America’s frustrations.

But a Path Continues…

But are things really that bad? The answer is, of course, no. Even in the darkest days we had Jimmy Carter reminding us that “it is okay to believe again.” While some feared his persuading the Supreme Court to basically dissolve the presidency was extreme, the eternal campaign has made both McCain and Carter voices of America. They are true heads of states. When one of the 2016 mob election candidates says something extreme, McCain and Carter remind us in their debates how Americans truly should act. The mob rabble is further tempered by Dowd and Wolfowitz shadowing their illegitimate debates with their variety show.

And the downfall of the two big parties has allowed for an American Spring in the legislatures. Now various groups have voices in the House and Senate. Rational, extremist, and even funny parties are born and die every month. Truly we have a people’s house as diverse as the people.

A Dirt Path Not Yet Paved

Now, thing aren’t perfect. Supreme Court Justice Afghanistan is back on the bench after his Supreme Court pardon, Russell Means passed away of old age while Bobby Means was reportedly gunned down by cops at a traffic stop, we have all heard stories of those who try to travel on the interstates at night, Tina Leans still lives somewhere in Europe trying to rally people against Pope-King Kow I, and the Kurdlifate is causing the large Arab refugee crisis which threatens to overrun the Old World.

But as I see Wolfowitz trying to fix his invisible kazoo, I am reminded of Jimmy Carters campaign slogan: it is okay to believe again. America continues not as it was, but as it is.

US State Department Denies Planning to Invade Canada

War Plan Red” was the color-coded war plan for a United States war against the British Empire. One objective of Red was securing Crimson, the occupation of Canada.

War Plan Red was unexpectedly referenced today, when the U.S. Department of State denied that the U.S. was planning to invade Canada.

The State Department is denying that a planned closed-door meeting between U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Mexico Foreign Minister Patricia Espinosa is about a secret plan to invade Canada.

Asked why the meeting was closed to press and what the two officials were discussing, a reporter asked: “This isn’t some secret thing to invade Canada or something like that?

“No, no, no,” State Department spokeswoman Victoria Nuland said during a Tuesday briefing to laughter from reporters.

The State Departments denials also evoke Article XI of the Articles of Confederation and Perpetual Union, which read:

Canada acceding to this confederation, and adjoining in the measures of the United States, shall be admitted into, and entitled to all the advantages of this Union; but no other colony shall be admitted into the same, unless such admission be agreed to by nine States.

We’re coming…

Review of “Overqualified,” by Joey Comeau

Overqualified is a humorous collection of terrible resume cover letters. Through them one gradually grows to know the weird narrator and has a number of laughs along the way.

Overqualified is not a deeply moving story int he way that Veins, another humorous novella, was. While Viens makes one seriously consider the man behind the laughter, in Overqualified we get a collection of really good laugh lines

I don’t make collect calls, I make the operator pay.

and

When a week had gone by, my lady friend asked, “Have you finished with my book yet?”

I shook my head. “No,” I said, “but I’m finished with you.”

and

“You think that love has to last forever for it to be real. You think it isn’t true love unless it lasts until one of us is dead…. That isn’t love. That’s dog fighting.”

I mostly read Overqualified in two sittings. It was well worth the $8.59 price for the Kindle edition.

Negative Review of ‘World War II’ on The History Channel

Hat-tip to CPS, a review of a show that seems someone less believable than Battlestar Gallactica

So it’s pretty standard “shining amazing good guys who can do no wrong” versus “evil legions of darkness bent on torture and genocide” stuff, totally ignoring the nuances and realities of politics. The actual strategy of the war is barely any better. Just to give one example, in the Battle of the Bulge, a vastly larger force of Germans surround a small Allied battalion and demand they surrender or be killed. The Allied general sends back a single-word reply: “Nuts!”. The Germans attack, and, miraculously, the tiny Allied force holds them off long enough for reinforcements to arrive and turn the tide of battle. Whoever wrote this episode obviously had never been within a thousand miles of an actual military.

Probably the worst part was the ending. The British/German story arc gets boring, so they tie it up quickly, have the villain kill himself (on Walpurgisnacht of all days, not exactly subtle) and then totally switch gears to a battle between the Americans and the Japanese in the Pacific. Pretty much the same dichotomy – the Japanese kill, torture, perform medical experiments on prisoners, and frickin’ play football with the heads of murdered children, and the Americans are led by a kindly old man in a wheelchair.

Read the whole thing.

Best Amazon Product. Ever.

When a product description starts with this, you know it has to be good:

We are always in compliance with Section 13 from part 40 of the NRC Nuclear Regulatory Commission rules and regulations and Postal Service regulations specified in 49 CFR 173.421 for activity limits of low level radioactive materials. Item will be shipped in accordance with Postal Service activity limits specified in Publication 52.

Some reviews:

The quality of this Uranium is on par with the stuff I was bying from the Libyans over at the mall parking lot, but at half the price! I just hope the seller does not run out, because I have many projects on my list including a night vision sasquatch radar, an electromagnetic chupakabra cage, a high velocity, aerial, weighted Mothman net and super heated, instant grill cheese sandwhich maker.

However, when I ran out of that fire-ant killer powder stuff, I figured I would try some for that too.

Big mistake!

Finally, someone had the gumption to package this stuff! As a busy single mom, I no longer have the time to prospect for uranium, let alone dig my own open pit mine. Also, handling that stuff makes my gums bleed and I cough up small pieces of lung. Nasty.

What happened next is something I barely believe myself. Because this product is uranium and not the plutonium that Doc had designed the car for, I was transported back to 1955 where everyone thought my name was Calvin Klein and my mom tried to sleep with me. Gross! I found Doc, since he’s lived in the same house his whole life, and convinced him I was from the future. If it wasn’t for the power of 1.21 jigawatts, I would have been trapped in the past forever since Amazon’s best shipping method is overnight and does not transcend the time-space barrier and I was unable to get more uranium.

Well… I had an awesome idea that if I combined my newly purchased uranium ore and a container of Marshmallow Fluff, the outcome would result in a smaller version of the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man. However… what soon followed my unfortunate science/cooking experiment was the creation of something that resembled a 10 foot tall adaptation of the Michelin Man meets Chuck Norris! Immediately upon its creation I received unprovoked roundhouse kick to my face… fortunately, his marshmallow-pillowy-like foot softened the impending blow. We battled through the kitchen, then it saw the open door. As soon as this sticky-sweet creature made it outside… it escaped. So I guess this “review” is more of a public-service announcement… I probably should’ve said that first.

It’s been almost 100 days since I “disposed” of the Uranium Ore I purchased from Amazon.com. Seeing as how they sent me 10 orders instead of 1 I thought it would be alright to dispose of the two or three cans in the backyard. 91 days later and I’m barricaded in my house, beseiged by mutated grasshoppers, bees, wasps, and ants the size of ponies. My food stores are dwindling; I only have a few gallons of Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz left, though a spritz of Uranium Ore has kept it fresh all this time. I’m down to my last box of Fresh Whole Rabbit as well. Even though I had to kill them (again), some of the Uranium Ore I used on the Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz has also helped them stay fresh during these past few months.

I’m not sure how much longer I can last here, the noises coming through the walls is constant, day and night. The scratching and scraping, the buzzing and chirping these mutated monsters make around the clock is, I fear, driving me inexorably further to the brink of insanity. I know that soon, I’ll take my chances outside the door of my home and fight for survival in a world gone mad; but with my newly grown wings and the lobster-claw appendages that have sprouted from my back, I might just have a chance after all…

Buy your own Uranium Ore today!